Well another new years has come and gone and enter 2018! Last year I remember welcoming 2017 in with Anie in her home village. We watched the fireworks from her front porch
(after admittedly taking a nap between 9 and 11:30) and I was filled with a sentimental feeling for the coming year, sort of in awe of the coming changes it would bring; Moving back to Canada, doing my internship in the states, studying for and taking my exam. I am glad to report that all of those things happened. Just barely though. I did indeed take my exam on December 14th and found out the next day that I passed! It feels so nice to have that behind me and say that I am now a midwife!
But even though everything got done, it didn;t happen as smoothly as I suppose I imagined it. In my last blog I talked about the challenges I had with getting through the process of applying for the exam. Although I got through it almost Murphy and I (as in Murphy's law) got to know each other pretty well as it seemed that anything that could have gone wrong went wrong. In this post I will take you back to some of the more emotional and spiritual aspects of the last year.
Before returning to Canada I knew that Counter culture shock was to be expected. I also knew it was going to be more intense then any of my other experiences of coming home after being away for a long time/in different culture i.e coming back from Bible College in Alberta and the three months in Spain. I had heard people talk about their own experiences of counter culture shock and I had even read and studied it in my textbooks and class during my culture and mission courses at ABC. I also knew that there wasn't anything I could do to prepare for it. I did assume however that counter culture shock was going to be something dramatic, something shocking... like hitting a brick wall, crying over the decision as to what brand of bread to buy, things like that. But the reality, at least for me was very different. the best way I can describe the feelings of "Re-Entry" as we missionaries like to call it is that it feels like a thick fog. Not shock but fog. I felt lost, out of sync and not quite sure what to do with myself. I had a terrible time keeping track of anything (more than usual). I had no desire to write my blog, journal or even story write. I could feel it in my very soul,whatever it was or is. a sort of sadness mingled with confusion and feelings of loss. I don't want anyone to think that I wasn't happy to be with my family because of course I was. But one of the many things that my experience in the last few years has taught me is that there are no black and white emotions. One can be happy to be in one place while sad that they are not in the other. I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post but when I was a child my mom read a book to us kids. It was about a man from china who traveled to the US and as the years went by often went back and forth. There was a line in there about how when he was in one place he was always homesick for the other. I remember thinking that, that must be awful! And now I realize that it has become my fate. But I don't think its a bad thing anymore. It means that instead of your heart being in one place you get to have it in two places. It means I get to be a part of two worlds both of which I love, both of which have shaped me into who I am today.
The other struggle this last Spring and summer was mine struggling with The Call. After spending time at Shepherds Home and Safe Refuge Ellora and I felt that we were called to return to the Philippines, work with Safe refuge and then start a ministry in another area that has the same goal and vision. I am going to pause here for a moment as I want to quickly explain what Safe Refuge does. It was started by an American midwife (she trained in the Philippines like me) and a Filipina nurse about 11 years ago. They began as a safe mother and baby home, where women could not only have their babies delivered safely but had a safe place to be. It turned out the biggest need was to help women stuck in prostitution and sex trafficking. They have received many women since they started and changed many lives, from all sorts of situations and ages.
So this is what both Ellora and I agreed we wanted to do. This whole thing felt very overwhelming for me however and I admit that I was hesitate to say "Yes this is God". I was and am aware of the hugeness of what we were talking and this vision seemed to come on so fast (at least for me), only within about four months. Although truthfully this idea had been tossed about in my brain but I had never been really serious about it. When I came back to the ranch I continued praying about it, and it seemed to just make sense that I would go back and so I started telling people that I think I am going back. But even though I was pretty sure i was supposed to go back I kept struggling with whether or not it was the right decision, it all didn't seem as clear as it did when we were in Manila, everything felt a little out of focus. The Valley needs young people in ministry and they need midwives too, so I wondered if I was making a poor decision in leaving and what felt like abandoning my home town. after all, when I was just a child I vowed I would NEVER leave the ranch, and if anyone said anything different they got an ear full. I felt people's disappointment in my saying I was planning to leave again and I doubted over and over again if it really was God leading me. After a challenging and difficult summer of this I finally had The Moment I was waiting for. I was leading the worship at my church and all of my weaknesses in regards to music was coming out, it ended it up being fine but I was fighting back tears at practice, I knew that it wasn't just the challenging practice and the fact that I have a hard time with timing in music. I knew it was the final straw to break the camel's back. So after church I went for a walk down to the river beach, sat on my favorite rock and let the struggle wash over me. I prayed "what do you want me to do God?" the soft answer "You know what I want you to do," images of Safe refuge came into my mind and then I voiced another one of my concerns as a new midwife. "What if I make a mistake?" and then God's answer "I will be there with you," and the floodgates finally opened, but it wasn't sad tears, it was tears of relief and joy. The doubts about the decision to go back to the Philippines dulled and was replaced by not just the knowledge but the feeling of The Calling and peace.
This is not to say that deciding to leave The North Thompson is easy. I am aware of the need in the place I grew up, I see it, as surly as I see the need in the Philippines. I have been comparing the needs, doing a mental list of the pros and cons. But I also know that there is need everywhere, in every corner of the world. The bottom line is where God is calling you. Is it near, far or in between? Right now for me, its the Philippines. Which to be honest is a surprise for me. I was planning on coming back to Vavenby, doing short term missions every once in awhile, living in a cabin on the ranch. That was my dream. But God has a way of changing our dreams, or maybe He just brings them more into focus because I think this dream had always been there I just couldn't always see it or believe it.
My degree arrived in the mail the other day!
So Now that I have passed my exam and I can officially put letters beside name (Vienna Helen-Marie Moilliet CPM) and the holidays are over (a wonderful time with my family and a white Christmas) I intend to start gearing up for the rather daunting task of fundraising. I am nervous but also excited. I have never fund raised before but I am also really excited to connect with churches and share my desire to help women find purpose and Hope in God. I know that there will be many individuals and churches who cannot afford to support me financially. I know from personal experience that finances actually isn't the biggest need. It's prayers. So if are someone out there and think that you ca't contribute because you wallet will not allow you or you know your money needs to go somewhere else or whatever, it does not mean you can't be involved. I am asking people who feel led and want to be part of this journey if they would commit to praying for me on a regular bases. Not just for me but for the ministry that I am heading into. If you do want to support me financially you can do so through my paypal account or by sending a cheque to my church and indicate its for the Philippine Mission. I believe I will need about 600 a month for living expenses in manila and probably 1000 for airfare.
