A Noteworthy November and near half of December

November is now behind us, and it was quite a month... and December is already almost half way over and I imagine you are all getting ready for the holidays, shopping, decorating and I imagine the Christmas music is playing everywhere....

So lets start with my trip to Kalinga....
I made sure I kept my eyes open as the bus got closer and closer to the place I called home for 2.5 years of my life.  I had been a bundle of nerves the days leading up to my departure, I was never able to fully put my finger on why, I think I was nervous about how it would feel after being away for almost two years, especially with new people there now, and other students sleeping and studying in the rooms where I used too.

Because of this nervousness I welcomed the 11 hour night bus ride from Manila to Tabuk, in order to calm myself down before I arrived.  The trip went by fast though, I slept well, I find it interesting that I sleep better on buses than I do on planes, I think its because planes are too smooth, the rocking of the bus sort of lulls me to sleep.   anyway I digress.  The last time I woke up on the bus, dawn was just breaking and I realized that I recognized the landscape around me and that I was nearing Tabuk,  the rolling green hills and open rice fields filled my heart with excitement.  As the bus entered Tabuk, I felt like I was coming home. 

When I got into the tricy the words "Abundant, Magsaysay" rolled off my tongue as if I had never stopped saying it.  (this is what we say to the tricy drivers to tell them where we need to go to get back to the clinic).  I was staying with one of the supervisor midwives who lives right next to the clinic, when I arrived she greeted me, we squealed as girlfriend often do when they haven't seen each other in a long time and then she fed me breakfast.  Later that morning I I got to help with a prenatal on one of my old patients who is now pregnant with her second child, that was really special.
                                                   
                                                     my former patient

                                                           I caught this guy over two years ago!

I wont go into the day to day details but I will say that it did not feel that strange to see other students living and working where I had before them, one of them even asked me if it felt weird and I could honestly reply that it didn't.  I had some great times with the students them really enjoyed the conversations we had.

The wedding in Bugnay was wonderful.  Two of the bridesmaids (whom I knew) and one of the previous students/current volunteer midwife and I all stayed together in Bugnay in a house belonging to a family member of the maid of honor (also a good friend).  We had a lot of fun and laughter.  Although I wasn't a bridesmaid I did have a title, I and another guy (whom I also knew) were responsible for the cord. Unfortunately I have no photos of me performing the task.
                                                     
                                                         some of the bridesmaid and I

picture with the bride (the one on the middle) a few days after the wedding 

Does anyone know how to do the cord?
The cord is one of the symbols performed during wedding ceremonies here, its actually really cool, a soft rope is placed around the shoulders of the couple as a symbol of their union.  I felt honored that I got to help perform this task but also nervous as I had never done it before, and hadn't really seen it before, only once several years before.  One thing I was happy about was as I mentioned before I knew who my partner was (there are two cord people, one guy to put the cord around the groom and one girl to put the cord around the bride) he is like a younger brother so I felt comfortable knowing I wouldn't be partnered with a stranger.
I hoped rather than believed there would be a rehearsal.  I had asked several people how it was done I was meant mostly with "I'm not sure." But I was assured that when we arrived in Bugnay there would be a rehearsal later that night before the wedding the following morning.   But first there was the Desperatose (not sure if I am spelling that right) which is a party that takes place the night before the wedding, it involves lots of dancing, most of which is the cultural dancing with the gongs, which is one of my favorite types of dancing of all time the men playing all types of gongs in perfect timing with each other as they dance in a circle, the women dance within the circle using certain footwork and arm motions, the men and women never touch.  Anyway this party is a way to raise money for the bride and groom and the men will donate money to dance with the girls...or somethings like that.  Anyway this took up the whole night so there was no rehearsal that night, but I was told the next morning that there would be one before the ceremony, but of course the women were late (not the bride she was on time) .  So there was no rehearsal that morning either.  So I figured I wouldn't panic after all, all I had to do was follow Eugene's example (my cord partner.  When the wedding party gathered above the wedding grounds I met up with him and told him I was depending on him to know what to do.  He gave me a nervous look and replied "I've never done this before either". so he started asking people if they knew how to do it, But was met with mostly the same response as I had.  One other person tried to give him a crash course in it,  so I just hoped for the best!

Eugene and i walked down the isle together, but i wasn't really sure where to go as we walked down before the bridesmaids and groomsmen and Eugene looked as unsure as I did, so I just grabbed his arm and started walking, but as soon as we got to the end neither of us knew where we were supposed to go, we looked at each other, I looked at the pastor, I even looked at Georgia, earlier she was the one tried to correct the pastor when he got my name wrong coming down the isle.  She was near the front as one of the sponsors, she shrugged. Then I looked back and realized the usherettes were awkwardly motioning to a bunch of empty seats in the back.  By this time Bridesmaids and groomsmen had followed our lead and the isle was starting to get full,  so I couldn't turn back! frantically several men started pulling the empty chairs up to the front so the women could sit while the men looped back around to sit in the back.  In the end in all worked out, but trust me to go and walk to the wrong place!

While sitting during the ceremony, Kattao, the maid of honor  casually helped me unwind the cord that I had been carrying this whole time, she discreetly tied it into a loop and silently showed me how it went on.  This was a Godsend as I realize I totally would have messed it up if she hadn't showed me.  so when it came time for Eugene and I to place the cord, we did it flawlessly! I think we both breathed a sigh of relief.

                                                   
                                            picture of the "the cord team" before the ceremony

Being in Tabuk and Bugnay was emotional, because I remember when I left there for the last time, even though I was pretty sure I meant to come back, a part of me wasn't sure or maybe was afraid that I wouldn't make it back.  I also went through a lot of emotions in the last year and debated if returning to the Philippines was the right move.  So when I saw Kalinga again, I could feel my senses respond with an element of disbelief that I was actually back but also with a sense of rightness.
                                                   
                                                          Bugnay

While in Tabuk I met up with Kate, one of the social workers who worked at Abundant while I was there.  The last words she had said to me before I left Tabuk over 1.5 years ago was "Come back." This time when we talked I told her after working with safe Ellora and I wanted to start a ministry like Safe in another part of the Philippines. 

Now Ellora and I have actually been planning to go to Tabuk to start the ministry there but I had been having doubts about whether this was the right thing to do, things like 'isn't there greater needs in other places?' or 'do I just want to return there because i miss it?' But while Kate and I talked, she told be about the needs in Kalinga; how there is no place for girls or women to go to who are trapped in abuse, and she asked me to "Consider coming back here" I knew right there and then that God could not make it anymore clear, After Safe Tagaytay, Tabuk was the next stop.

When I left Kalinga, I felt sad, although I knew it was time for me to return, my heart felt grieved.  This may be for two reasons, one is that it feels like home, so it felt like leaving home, another is that my heart is still there, planted like rice in the fields.

I arrived back in Manila at 4 AM, I had a brief rest at Safe in Manila and then I met up with Ate Red to go to a seminar called Freedom Forum.  It is a seminar that happens every three years where NGO's (non government organizations) come from all over the Philippines to join forces in fighting against sex trafficking in the Philippines.  This year the theme was about online sexual exploitation of children or OSEC . This is a major issue in the Philippines right now, as there is no age limit on who is affected by this, they gave one example of a child as young as 2 months old being exploited.   There were several speakers of different denominations and workshops as well. It was a very full day.  We were able to do some networking as well.  It was an incredibly powerful thing to have Catholics, Anglicans, Nazarenes, and a large variety of others all in one room, praying together and uniting as one to end sex trafficking in the Philippines.
                                             
                                                Some of the staff and I at freedom Forum

The next day Ate Red and I went to visit ate Gerlene; a Midwife who has a clinic in Quazon city,.   Since I am not currently doing midwife work at Safe I am eager to keep up my midwife skills and continue to learn as much as possible, so I have been looking for a clinic that would allow me to pop in every once in while to get get some experience.  We met Gerlene at a mall in Quazon and she took us to the clinic where I met the other two midwives who work there, one of which works only part time, she is a Canadian Missionary and she and her family have been in Manila for years.  After giving me the tour and I shared a little of my story I kept waiting for them to ask me some more questions.  But Ate Gerlene just looked at me clasped her hands together and said "so when do you want to start?"

We decided on a week in early December, which is actually this week!  Yes, I am at the birthing clinic right now and have been loving being able to wear scrubs again, do some prenatals and talk to midwives about midwifery things, unfortunately despite the fact there are 16 moms due this month, no babies have felt it the right time to enter the world this week, so it is has been rather quite, the staff and I are getting a little bored honestly, the up side is that I have time to finish my blog, start my newsletter, catch up on some reading, including starting and finishing "A Christmas Carol," and doing some other writing.  I will probably add a few days to the weeks in hopes of getting in on some births, before I head back to Tagaytay. 

Homecoming and Blessings
But I have gotten ahead of myself, anyway after I made my first visit to the clinic in November
I was very happy to return to Tagaytay, and all the girls at Safe.   I find that a really good way to help establish ones new home is to take a trip away from it for a little while because then when you come back you are able to say "I'm coming home," and there is comfort in that.  I was happliy greeted by everyone and happily greeted them.  I picked up PJ later that afternoon from my friend who was kitty sitting for me, he had gotten bigger and was now eating solid food, thank goodness! no more middle of the night bottle feedings.  I had actually really missed him and was happy to have him in my house again.

PJ was a little sick however after I brought him home but a few trips to the vet and a good de-worming process did the trick.  I am so happy that he is also now litterbox trained!  The other day I was thinking as I was having my morning coffee an devotional time, and I was contemplating the idea of whether or not God really did send the abandoned street kitten to my doorstep.  I thought about how when I was little I had always wanted a kitten, we had some wild barn cats at one time, a mama cat who had a litter of kittens in the hay, but one day had vanished with them, it was almost pathetic how grieved I had been over this.  I remembered how every time my family would drive through a tunnel and my siblings and I would hold our breath and make a wish, I would alwasy wish for a kitten. In my adulthood I sometimes still do it for fun and out of habit I will still wish for a kitten. Once my parents let my brother and I get two barn kittens but they met their demise from some of our large sheep dogs, I remember weeping when I heard the news.   When I was little a prayer for kitten would find its way into my nightly prayers if I remember correctly.  As I recalled this the other day I was struck with the thought that God honors the simple desires of our hearts sometimes it just happens when we are least expecting it.

                                                 just hanging on the couch
one of PJ's favorite spots 

                                                        Noel loves PJ!

Additions to the Kalinga plan
The other week I found something out that adds to the "Kalinga plan" turns out there is a Christian social worker and pastor whom is well known among people at the clinic in Tabuk  who is also interested in starting a ministry like Safe Refuge in Tabuk, she has been talking to ate Red for some time.  the next time I visit Kalinga we are planning to meet.  Both Ellora agreed that we don't want to start anything unless we have support from locals, and we also know we had to have social workers on board.  So having this woman suddenly appearing right after I said to God "Okay I'll do it," was pretty amazing.  I am not putting all my eggs in a basket yet, but I can see God beginning to bring the plan together.

Language
I've got good news and bad news.  The bad news is I'm not fluent yet! ok so maybe it would be a little surprising if a person was fluent after 3 months but I know I had gotten further with Spanish in three months so I was hoping I would have been further along.  The good news is that I can string sentences together now, the girls are saying that my Tagalag is good, and that I am a fast leaner, although I am not sure about that, I have never been a fast learner at anything academic, and Tagalog doesn't feel any different.  But its encouraging to hear them say that nonetheless.  When I was in Tabuk I realized how well I was doing with Taglaog compared to how I did with Illocano.  This is not because Tagalog is easier than Illocano, I mentioned before that I actually think the opposite, but I realize how much more I am pushing myself this time round.  Although I wanted to learn Illocano badly and I did learn a fair bit of birth terminology (something I have not mastered with Tagalog yet) at some point I became discouraged and gave up on being able to learn any more Illocano, it was easier to speak to English and I think I was afraid to to speak Illocano in my day to day life.   However when I've been learning Tagalog I have been making myself insert Filipino words into my English sentences.   My fear of giving up learning the language is now far greater than whether or not someone will understand my Tagalog or not.  I have tried starting to teach myself more Tagalog by using Youtube.  But I have also come to the conclusion I need some formal lessons.  When I first arrived I had decided against this, and for a time I think it was good to just be around the language and get used to the feel of the language, but now I can see that I need more than that.   I discussed this with ate Red the other evening and we both agreed this is something that should happen.  Turns out one of the residents is actually going to give me lessons for now, she is a fourth year college student and is incredible in English and Tagalog, both in writing, speaking and interpreting, and part of her degree includes teaching. 

Spiritual growth
God has been so good, He is always good, but I have been overwhelmed with feeling the goodness lately.  I am learning so much and have felt myself drawing closer to God during these last few months.  He continues to provide for me, beyond what I imagined, and continues to lead.   I am learning to trust in my instincts and not overthink everything, (I still have a long ways to go in that department), this is something that I have always struggled with, but I had an incident the other day which showed me that maybe I  am beginning to learn to get over this.  I was at the clinic in Tabuk and was doing a first time prenatal which sadly ended with the realization that the woman was not pregnant.  before she left I got up and gave her hug.  This is something I would usually overthink, specifically in Tabuk, I would usually start thinking if she would receive a hug, I would wonder if I had seen many Kalingans hug before, was it culturally appropriate? but instead of thinking all this I just acted, I think I surprised myself as much as anyone.   It was as I was doing it and after I began to think all those things, I hope it was appropriate in hindsight.  But something I have noticed in the last few years is that in the things that matter often my first instinct is the right one but I overthink it before I can act and then miss the opportunity.

Some other randoms
We are still working on the dance project.  actually I can't remember if I mentioned before but another lady who helps out at Safe and myself are working on a project involving interpretive dance and plan to make it into a testimonial video.  We had our third practice last Sunday, and its really coming along, hopefully soon we will be ready to complete the project and begin filming.

Baking, baking and more baking! We had our celebration for all the November birthday the other day,  5 birthdays means I was determined to make 5 birthday cakes.  it all added up to about 5 hours of baking.  but it was a lot of fun and totally worth it to see how it made everyone so happy.  One of the things I love about the Filipino culture is if you make make 1 cake for 25 people, (something that would be received with shock in North America)  it will be enough but if you make 5 cakes for 25 people there will be no problem in having them consumed.  There was definitely some sugar rushing happening that night!  Speaking of which the new oven/stove has arrived! it was received with loads of thankfulness! and I thank everyone who contributed to this wonderful gift, I know that this was a sacrifice for many people and I want you to know that it is being well used, and is works very well.  The oven did a great job at baking all those cakes, and we can now fit more than one pot on the stove!!!
                                             Noellle's first birthday at Safe, ( we celebrated right before i left for Kalinga) so I made sure to make a special cake for her...I splurged and bought whipping cream to put between the layers.   when we sang happy birthday to her, she was holding back tears.

                                                 5 women, 5 birthday cakes.  Notice Chesa is in this photo!

                                                for American thanksgiving the little girls helped bake...

                                            ....pumpkin pies (squash pies)

                                               the arrival of the new stove/oven

                                             

Finding my place.

I think I have mentioned before I am still working on finding my role at Safe.  Sometimes I get discouraged feeling like I am not doing enough and need to be making more of a difference, and not being fluent in the language is a real challenge.  But this last Sunday I had an emotional time during the worship, and felt God reminding me I am where I supposed to be.  The other night I went to bed thinking about my experience with sheep.  I love sheep, and have sometimes asked God why He would allow me to fall in love with sheep ranching so much and then take me away from it, the answer had been something like what Jesus said to Peter when He told him he would make him a fisher of men, except for me it was more of a shepherd of men.  I have had dreams which I truly feel came from God involving comparisons to leading and tending sheep to tending God's lambs.   So this night I felt a question enter my mind, "how do you take care of and lead sheep?".  The answer to this would be, tending them, helping them have and raise their young, physically taking care of them but also in order for one to be able to shepherd well you must know your sheep.  One can learn some technical things from books, but to know your own flock the only way to do this is to spend time with them, love them, and learn to know them and their attitudes which cause you to understand them.  It occurred to me that this is exactly what God has be doing presently at Safe.

                                                  having tea with one of the girls at my place

This December
So far the only thing I have really done this December is sit in the clinic waiting for births, (in the clinic in Quazon) but I did get to go to a kids Christmas party here last night and that was fun.  actually I have really been enjoying meeting the new people who are connected with the clinic and the ministry that Ate Eve (the Canadian midwife) and her family are involved with.  When I return to Tagaytay, there will be more Christmas prep, I am hoping to have a day of baking with some of the girls, there will be some Christmas shopping and wrapping and lots of time together.  I am really looking forward to that!

I am definitely missing my Canadian home a lot this time of year, especially as December rolls in, But I don't mind missing home, it allows me to reflect on family Christmases gone by which always bring fondness to my heart, the homesickness is always connected to love.

Chesa
Chesa is home at Safe! thank you everyone so much for your prayers, she is doing really well! she has had a few brief seizures, so she still needs prayer.  The cause of her seizures is complicated and we believe its more than just medical, but her medication is keeping her stable right now.  She has been very happy and keeping busy which she loves.

Prayer and thankfulness 
Thankfulness 
-That Chesa is back and doing well
-For God's provision
-For God'leading
-That I get to be here at the clinic (Daughters of Faith Lying in)
-That my relationships are continuing to build with the girls and for the love I have for them
Prayer
-For Chesa's continual healing
-Ate Red is still having problems with her nasal ways, she has not been able to go to a doctor yet
-That I will get to be involved with some births before I go back to Tagaytay
-One of our residents will be visiting some family over Christmas, so please pray for her safety
-Language
-Trust in God


Well that's all for this round folks! as always thank you so much for your support! (and bearing through this very long blog with lots of spelling and grammar mistakes)I will try and write again before all the holidays are over, and will let you know if there were any births while here at the clinic.  Until then I hope you all have wonderful December and a Merry Christmas!
signing off,
thesheepishmidwife

Settling in

Greetings from Tagaytay!
I can't believe its been 6 weeks already since I've arrived! its true that the older you get the faster time goes...

the last six weeks have been interesting, challenging, frustrating, but also really good :) I feel more mentally exhausted than anything, which I think mostly has to do with the adjustment to a new life.  I have titled this blog settling in, and I do feel myself settling, I feel more at home in my little house and more comfortable in Safe. But I  have a feeling it will still take many months to feel completely at home and settled.   When I lived in Tabuk, I remember the 1.5 year was significant, I started to really feel like Kalinga was home at that point, when I came back to Canada, it was about a year and half (right before I left) that I felt settled back in Canada.  So its possible it will take that long for me to truly feel settled again.  Though I can feel myself adjusting to some things faster than before, for example the food.  The other day I was still hungry after supper and so I started eating the leftover rice with soya sauce, salt and oil, I impressed the girls so much by how Filipino I was that one of the leaders snapped a picture.  Although I admit I have had many days I crave Canadian food so much it makes me want to cry, but fortunately I live in a place where its really easy to satisfy that craving, and I can feel my body adjusted more each day to the new diet.  I am settling into living on my own much easier than I expected, i thought it would feel weird and I would get freaked out at night, but I totally love it! I think having my own place plays a big role in keeping me going.  And I feel so safe.  I am just a few feet from my land lady's house, whom is a very sweet lady, and the gates are tall and secure.  I think I only really had one night early on where the wind played tricks on me and I was really nervous, but I also think I was having a spiritual attack that night   Because I am at Safe so much I really enjoy the solitude in the evenings and mornings, although I don't have complete solitude right now, but I'll get to that, for now lets update you on the important stuff.

Safe Refuge
I think I am settling into my role as "Ate" (older sister), I have been able to do things like going to the local oval to jog with the girls. 
                                           
                                              Fun Run with elementary school, I went as one of the guardians

I have continued to have weekly baking socials with the girls, in addition to making a few birthday cakes a few weeks ago I helped Maggie, one of the high school students, and her classmate make an edible animal cell, using home baked brownies and icing, and using various candies for the different parts of the cell.  This baking has been a lot of fun, not cheap, but a lot of fun, different people help bake each time, the other week I ended up with 6 people helping me make peanut butter cookies... at one point I had the youngest literally stirring the flour, just to keep her occupied.  The cookies were delicious!!
This was one of the first things I thought of doing when I started making plans to come to Safe, but I think I underestimated the effect.  Every time I bake something, it feels like I am presenting the crown jewels, everyone gets a little giddy, they are always super thankful and eager to contribute.    I have to really thank my supporters here, as the only way I can afford to bake this much is because of your financial support and the prayer that keeps that support coming as needed.

                                                     Decorating chocolate cupcakes

I helped one of the girls and her classmate make an edible animal cell.  they got second place!

I have continued to help with homework, from writing addition problems out for the younger kids to helping one of the college students comprehend an English teaching on human behavior in decision making and helping with a research paper (twice as the first time around in somehow got deleted)   I find myself learning a lot! I also have an increased appreciation for my mother who didn't just spend an hour or two with us every day, but committed her whole day to our homeschooling.

I have checked several blood pressures, given advice for high or low readings.  I have even taught some of the girls how to take blood pressures.   I have also distributed essential oils for different ailments.  (never thought I would be the essential oil type)

One day, one of the former residences asked if I could paint her a painting for her house, I helped her finish one she started and painted another one of an alpine scene,  I found out later that she is actually a very good painter, ( probably better than me) but refuses to admit it, but we had fun painting together that afternoon.

I have had some good prayer time; the other week, we were having an incredible worship time and I was able to speak into one girls life.

I cooked and organized a Canadian Thanksgiving on the 11th.  on the menu: 2 chickens, stuffing, sweet potatoes, fried in butter and sugar, mashed potatoes, green beans, fried with onions, garlic and butter and of course we had pumpkin pie, which I made with squash as it was half the price of pumpkin.  Oh and rice.  everybody helped, and in the end we fed 28 people including kids.  everything got eaten up, even the stuffing which I didn't think would be popular since its kind of a weird dish, I mean I never thought about what an odd dish it was until I started describing it to people... "its bread, with sausage...and onions...and apples, all mixed together, put inside a chicken so it gets all soggy..." weird right?!  I'm telling ya, Next time you look at a foreign food and think how weird it is and how you can't imagine eating it...just think of stuffing.  Anyway, I digress, the point is I was amazed that it was consumed so fast, I never even got a second helping:)  The kids even liked the pie, which I was surprised by as most kids hate pumpkin pie but I had made little pumpkin tarts and put thick cream on top, and most of them were convinced they were cup cakes (since tarts aren't a thing here) so they automatically loved them...because who doesn't love cup cakes!  It was also my mom's recipe which is the best pumpkin pie recipe ever!! Ok I'm going to stop talking about food now.
                                         
                                             stuffing the chicken with Maggie! turkey is pretty expensive here so we opted for two chickens instead

                                               we fed 28 people!

The story of PJ
So remember how I mentioned i didn't have complete solitude at my house?  Well here's the story
Several weeks ago one of the staff members children found a brand new kitten literally on the streets.  He casually asked me if I wanted a cat, to which I replied, although I would like one it was not very practical for me to own one.  Then he promptly produced this white and grey fluffy squealing kitten which I later found out was about a week old.  well...I wasn't sure what to do, I had to decide whether to let him die or take him in,  Although I am an animal lover I am not an extreme animal lover which meaning I had the potential to let the creature pass into kitten heaven on his own, but as I held him crying in the palm of my hand  I couldn't quite do it... I had actually thought about the idea of taking in a cat or puppy while I am here but had decided against it as quickly as it came to mind.   But here was this little kitten looking at me, and he was hungry and sad, so I said I would feed him, I happened to have some powdered milk on hand, we found a lid and the staff member even found a dropper lying around, so I fed him, then I said I would keep him for the night, and then it was two nights, and then I took him to the vet to get him checked over, and asked if they knew of anyone who wanted a kitten or if there was a shelter somewhere, there wasn't.  Anyway, he is still with me.  I decided to name him PJ Perry after a kitten my aunt and uncle had, whom sadly got eaten by one of our dogs.  This might sound crazy, but I feel that God may have sent me PJ, I don't know for how long, but for now he has been a fun companion, and has actually contributed to the ministry, more than once I have had of the girls over and they are content to sit and play with him and then we visit.   The kids also love him as one can imagine....

The struggles

Some days are still really hard, I feel frustrated and useless but other days I feel like a missionary.  God has been teaching me lots, I have caught myself saying very often to myself "I just need to make a difference"  but God has been showing me that  I need to omit the "I" in that sentence, because its not about me making a difference, its about me being a vessel,  God is the one that makes the difference.  I then find that when I omit the "I" it gets harder to complain I can't say things like "I can't to this" or "I am never going to learn to this language" I end up just putting it before God and sai "okay You sent me here so help to follow."


I think the most interesting and challenging part about this period of my life is that it is less clear and direct than any other of my life chapters.  Everything I did from when I was 15 was to work towards  going to midwife school in the Philippines.  This time around, although I have a vague idea of a my calling, things are not as straightforward, and I believe that this is God's plan, He doesn't want me to see everything.  All He seems to be asking me is to just follow his steps one by one.  Any time I start to feel panicked about the lack of direction and plan in my life I sense His voice telling me to just trust Him and be where he has put me.  My guide is still the story of Peter walking on water.  As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus and not the waves I will be okay.
                               

Odds and Ends
I will be traveling tomorrow.  One of my friends there is getting married in Bugnay, and I am going to be one of her sponsors, (a position that they have here in the Philippines at weddings)  I am both excited and nervous.   Excited because I have missed Kalinga for so long, but also nervous, as I know things will be different and will feel different.  I also am so used to traveling and going  to events with Ellora so its going to feel different going to Kalinga solo.

Good news on the Midwife front, I think I have found a birthing home where I can volunteer at.  They are in Manila and are short staffed so could use an extra midwife.  I plan to meet with the director when I come back from Kalinga so am hoping that will go well.

The language...is well...I guess its more than it was a few weeks ago, but I still wish I was moving faster in my learning.  Sometimes I try and focus so hard on what people are saying, thinking that maybe if I focus enough the meaning of the words will magically appear in my head.  But I suppose languages were not learned in a day, unless it was in the day of the Tower of Babel.  The kids really are my best teachers as they make me speak the language, as well as one of the other residents who speaks about as much or less English as I do Tagalog.

The other week I started a campaign to raise money for a new stove/oven for safe, their current stove can only maintain one element at a time, which means only one thing can be cooked at a time.  It has a very small oven which tends to go out if you close the oven door to fast, the lighter is gone on it and it is starting to develop rust.  Anyway we almost have all the money raised! this is very exciting and both the staff and myself are amazed at the people who were willing to sacrifice and give a portion to this project.  In the next few days I and the staff will start the process of finding a suitable stove/oven.

Well,  I think I have gone on long enough I will move onto to prayer thankfulness and prayer requests

Thankfulness:
-Chesa is doing much better, she is still in Home care in Manila and hasn't had any seizures in a long time
-Relationships are building
-Getting an idea of my purpose
-God's provision
-The funds raised for the stove/oven

Prayer
-Language
-Continue to pray for Chesa
-School and assignments for the girls
-Ate Red's allergies, this might seem odd, but Ate Red has been having horrible allergies since returning from an IJM conference in the US, it has been making her very tired and hard of breathing when it gets really bad
-For the trip to Kalinga
-For Trust in God

I want to again thank all of my supporters, I have continued to feel overwhelmed with your support, this would not be possible without any of you.  I truly cannot  find words to thank you for all your prayers, encouragement and finances. 

Until Next time!
thesheepishmidwife

P.S. I am so sorry for all the spelling and typos I am sure this post has, I have gotten behind in my preparations for Kalinga and since I leave tomorrow I am in a terrible flurry.

Another beginning

Hello All! and welcome to my blog if you haven't been here before

    So it has been a week now since I landed at Ninoy Airport in Manila Philippines.  The trip went well, I was glad I didn't get bad motion sickness (past experience) or food poisoning (another past experience) although I did manage to catch a cold before I left so I was battling that on the trip which limited my ability to read the books I brought along.  But I survived! and thanks to facebook messenger and the airport's free wifi I was able to find Ate Red (the leader of Safe Refuge, I call her Ate which means older sister, it is a term of respect)
          I then proceeded to the Safe Refuge site in Manila,  where I stayed for two days before traveling to Tagaytay where I will be spending most of my time.   I was welcomed so warmly by all the staff and residences, all of which remembered me from a year and half ago when Ellora and I visited for one week.  I stayed one night in Safe and then the next day moved into my rental house.  The staff had found a house for rent by the same land lady, it is right next door so I don't even have to go out on the street.  This could not be more perfect as it allows me to stay late at Safe Refuge with no danger when I walk home at night.

Right now my role is "Ate" meaning older sister, I am here to be a listening ear, do activities, play with the kids and learn Tagalog so I can communicate with the girls better.   The plan is that I will have a schedule soon.  I have started baking with the girls, which is a lot of fun! we have already made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and plan to make carrot cake cupcakes tomorrow.  At some point I am planning to do some interpretive dance classes, the other day I bought the cloth I plan to use, I just have to sew them together now.
                                               
                                              baking cookies after supper

                                                         
                                                     playing games with the kids at their lunch break

    I feel desperate for two things.  That I can be truly helpful, and beneficial to this ministry.   I do not want to be in the way but someone who can really help.  If it wasn't for the constant encouragement of the staff I would feel inadequate, and I will admit at times I feel I am but I know I can do all things through Christ.   I also am desperate to learn Tagalog, I have discovered that it is harder than Illocano (one of the main languages spoken in Kalinga) and I wonder now how I ever complained about trying to learn it when I was in Tabuk.  I am not naturally good at languages and I remember how I got to a point in my language learning in the past where I came to a standstill and I just sort of gave up.  I refuse to allow that to happen this time  I think everyday I learn something new, and I  know that's the important thing.  If I could remember every word that someone tells me I would be speaking so much more, but I feel I only absorb 10-25% of what I am told.  I am not attending any courses, there are two reasons for this, one; it is an extra expense and two, I am not convinced it has really helped in the past.  I have observed from my history that when I do manage to learn a language it is by immersing myself in the language as much as possible and making myself speak it.  I am given hope by my  memory of Spain.  When I was there for a three month mission trip we had weekly Spanish lessons  and I felt I would never learn to speak it.  But I was surrounded by people who helped me with vocabulary and spoke Spanish to me, I was also forced to speak it as much as possible even if it was only a few words as very few people spoke a lot of English there.  I spent weeks desperate to learn the language and yet it seemed I was getting nowhere, and then about 8-10 weeks in, something switched and I was able to to have brief short conversations with people.  I was shocked and so excited!  My hope and prayer is that Tagalog will be like that, although it feels like a much harder language than Spanish.  Fortunately my previous experience with Illocano helps me as some of the words are the same but I often open my mouth to speak Tagalog and I can only think of the Illocano word.  But I do think all things considered I am doing ok I am just impatient.

Ok moving on from my language rant...(I feel that most missionaries, unless they have the gift of languages.....trying so hard not to be jealous of that gift...)

I have been able to start building relationships with the girls, which is really exciting, and I hope I can be a good Ate to them.  I listen to them when they tell me about their life stories, play with kids, laugh with them learn with them, and when language gets in the way I remember I can embrace and pray for them.  Its still early days and I pray with all my heart that these relationships will grow and with God I can find a way to help them on their journey.  I can do nothing without God, I am simply a vessel.

It still feels so surreal that this is my new life, when I landed in Manila and as I was driving in our grab taxi it didn't feel foreign, at least not what I was seeing; the houses, streets, people, even the driving style... it all felt familiar, almost like I was coming home.  What did feel different was what I was about to do, something quite different than last time, and I didn't have Ellora or one of the other students sitting besidewith me this time round, I am so used to having long conversations with her about culture, struggles and achievements or even what we should buy when we go to the stores.  There have been a several times where I have thought, Ellora would know what to do, or I wonder what Ellora would think of this?  But I know I am surrounded by good people, Ate Red is always making sure I am ok, and I am really feeling like I am part of the Safe family.

I am hoping that soon I will be able to be put in contact with a birthing center whom I can volunteer with.  The hope is that I will be able to spend some time at a birthing centre every 6 weeks or something like that.   I am also hoping I will be able to visit Kalinga in the next little while.  I have a friend whom is getting married and I am hoping I can go to the wedding.  I am looking forward to seeing that province again and her people.

It feels so strange to not be doing either ranch work, Midwife work or studying.  one of the things I was looking forward to when I came here was being able to sleep in a little bit and not having to wake up early to move sprinklers or feed sheep, but I am so used to the hustle and bustle of ranch life that I feel so strange not being physically busy, I know I will get busier as time goes on, and its not like there is not activity going, its just a different kind of activity and much more flexible than I am used to.   When I start to worry about whether I will ever be able to find a routine and get familiar with my role here at Safe, I remember how I felt when I started in the birthing room back in Tabuk.  I remember how awkward I felt, not sure where to stand, what to say, how much or how little I should be doing, where or what all the equipment was for.  I once asked one of the higher up students how long it took her to feel comfortable in the clinic, she indicated it had taken awhile told me it had taken her y.  I think it took me about a year and half to where I felt completely at ease.  I would very much like it to not take that long this time but it does encourage me that there will come a time when my days will flow with more ease and I will find the heart beat of this chapter in my life.   I have never been one that really liked change, I found it exciting but I have always liked my comfort zone, but God has way of taking me out of our  comfort zone, over, and over again.  I am losing count of how many times God has taken me through things that are uncomfortable.  Every time I am pushed a little further.  If I had tried to do what I am doing five years ago I do not think I would have been able to handle it but God has been slowly training me and continues to do so for each new experience.

A That's so Vienna Story
I am going to end with a typical "thats so Vienna" story.  I had gone out with one of the girls to do a few things, and I decided to stay longer at one of the malls to use the internet at Starbucks, my friend went back ahead of me and gave me instructions on how to get back.  It seemed simple enough, and an average person would not have been nervous, but I do know that I have history of missing stops and getting myself turned around.  But I was determined I could do it.  So I went to starbucks, excited for a good black coffee and a tasty cinnamon bun.  However to my great dismay.... they didn't have internet due to renovating, disappointed but determined to enjoy my coffee anyway I decided I would just read my novel, though I felt guilty the whole time that i wasn't doing anything productive.   I finished my coffee and went back to one of the stores, ( I bought two more things in the grocery store that I forgot to get earlier) and headed to where I could flag down a jeepney, I called Ate Mercy (the manager of the Taygaytay Safe site) just to make sure I had the right instructions.  I got on the correct jeepney, of this I was sure.  Now, I was a little concerned about where to stop as I have a hard time recognizing locations if I am coming at them from a different angle, which is what I was doing, but my stop was a major one and I assumed the the driver would announce it.   But either he didn't or I was too lost in my thoughts to have noticed, because all the sudden I thought... "did I miss my stop..?" but surely I hadn't...it was just taking longer because traffic was so bad.  but then it was really taking a long time and nothing looked familiar, but I continued to be in denial.  And I knew that this was the right jeep because it had had my stop written on it, so I figured if I had missed my stop then it will eventually circle around....
Finally about 30 minutes in, a lady on the jeep looked at me and asked about my stop, I told her and she exclaimed "Oh! its too far!!"
and I asked "did I pass it already" she made a reply indicating I had and frantically got the driver to stop and told me I could get off and get on a jeep going the other way.  I got off, crossed the stree and fortunately I found a jeep right away going the opposite direction with my stop written on it.  The driver confirmed he was going there and this time I sat right behind him and watched carefully, thinking of all the landmarks that I knew.  Ate Mercy called me then, by this time she was getting worried and I explained the situation.  Finally I got off at the right stop and made it back to Safe.  It was an hour of traveling where it should have only taken me about 15 minutes.  It makes a good story now!

Alright, so on to the prayer requests I guess I have sort of covered them already, but first thankfulness
-The I got a house so close to safe and the rent and utilities is much less than I budgeted for
-For the encouragement I have received
-For Every new word in Tagalog that I learn

Requests
-Language!!!!
-Finding my role, getting the routine
-Building strong relationships
-Boldness in this new uncomfortable zone
-The ability to help and support the staff and residence as much as is humanly possible
-That I will be able to intern with a birthing clinc
-For my visa process, which I will be starting very soon
-For all the residences here, specifically for one lady (pen name, Chesa) who is struggling with things in her mind, that her struggles will be replaced with peace

Well that ends this post, talk to you all in a few weeks!
May God Bless and keep you
signing off
thesheepishmidwife

calm or crazy???!

Its June....its actually June...!!! which means I have ten weeks before I fly to the Philippines, I would like to say that I am totally calm inside that I have everything under control and things are flowing nice and smoothly....

But its me we are talking about... we are also talking about a massive move!!! which basically means there is a ton of things to do and organization is not one of my gifts.  For example..... take lists.  Many people have  suggested that I make a list.  This is a good idea... a very practical idea that all sorts of people use...and most people find it works really well.  I don't what it is with me and lists...I am not sure I have met anyone with the kind of aversion to lists that I have... I think its actually abnormal.  I avoid writing lists, and when I finally do, I rarely look at.  The other week I hunkered down and created my "Master List".  I wrote it, looked at it, then forgot it on the coffee table, eventually it made its way to my room, and now I don't even know where it is..... Why? I don't know... too overwhelming? don't know where to start?
Anyway the good news is, it finally hit my the other day that I had discovered a list style in Bible College that helped me organize my homework projects.  I put a list item on a sticky note, and stick these sticky notes on a piece of paper or some kind of board.  Then I arrange the sticky notes in order of priority.   Every day or even throughout  I can rearrange my list as needed.  It has been working so well last week that it has given me some aid in reducing stress levels.

Unfortunately there are some things on the list I am struggling to actually get done.  This month has been set aside as "Minimize life, month" or "Exodus of possession".  Basically it means I have to start getting rid of stuff.  My goal is get all my personal things down to the two suite cases I will take with to the Philippines and the hope chest that will stay back in Canada.   That means....I have to get rid of a LOT of stuff.  probably three quarters of things that have been accumulating over the years.  too much stuff! its not even like I can blame someone else for my collection of things, I have alway had a hard time throwing things away.   So I went into my room a few days ago to start the process.  I thought I would start with my closet, where my dressy things live.  I just stood there, with an orange garbage beg in my hand and stared at the dresses, skirts and scarves, some so old I've had since I was 12 and others reverently given to me.  Every time I reached for an item to put it in he beg, I kept finding an excuse, "This one is too old to give away but not damaged enough to toss"  "This one was a gift from someone" "This one is ugly but its one of my favorite lounging dresses" about 60 seconds of this I dropped the beg and went back upstairs, feeling overwhelmed and maybe a little pathetic.  More recently I did manage to tackle two boxes, boy, that's an emotional ordeal.... going through old mementos and pictures....  some things I have hung onto over the years really is junk and I could not for the life of me figure out why I kept it... things like erasers....I mean really? other things were an obvious keep, such as my Grandpa's painting box he handed down to me, my college year book (boy that can get the water works going, looking at good times gone by) and pictures of my siblings and I.  But then there is a whole pile of "I don't know's" for example, "should I pack some of my paints? probably not but I don't want to toss them, but then who is going to want cheap paint?"  What do you do with old Cassatt tapes?"  "I can't just throw out ten make up brushes can I?" and "I totally forgot about this red purse!! but I probably shouldn't pack three purses!" okay you get the gist, basically what I need is for someone to come in make an executive decision about what stays and what goes and doesn't tell me what they got rid of, cause chances are I will never know the difference!!

So I still have a long road ahead in regards to organizing my life.  But some things are flowing.   I have visited several churches and I think it is going really well and I have been getting a little a lot of encouragement from church members.  It has amazed me to see how God is opening doors for me  last few months.  6 weeks ago I was getting nervous about finances, There were some concerned looks coming from fellow Christians about the fact that I had no one saying they were give to the mission.  But as I prayed about it, the result was always a feeling of complete peace and knowing that God is in control, I truly understand the phrase "Peace that passes Understanding" because I am surprised at how calm I have been in that regard, It is not at all normal for me to feel peace about a lack of finances.   The only time I start begin to panic is when I start thinking about how odd it is that I am not panicking and seeing other people's worried expressions.  My name for this:  The Walking on Water Effect.  When your eyes are on Jesus, walking on water is just another day out at sea, but once your eyes look down at what you are actually doing you start realizing how crazy this is, you start panicking.... and....splash!! So I know that in order to do this I have to keep my eyes on my Savior.  Now what is exciting is that these last few weeks people and churches have come forward to say that they wish to support me both prayfully and financially.  I have felt very humbled and grateful by this, and I give all glory to God.  I can feel God guiding me through this fundraising process; He is the caption, I am in the vessel, I would go nowhere without Him.   People have been asking me if I have enough finances, and the simple answer is... I don't really know, but I'm not that worried.  I am not doing pledges for finances, I don't feel called to go the route.  I do feel called to go in Faith and allow God to lead.  I believe I will get exactly what God wants me to have.   Now before you start thinking that I am completely dauntless in my Faith, I am not.  yes I am not consumed with worry about my finances but I have moments, moments where I look down at the water under my feet, and I start doubting, freaking out and thinking that maybe I should not have left the safety of my boat.  Thankfully Jesus is always there to catch when I fall and its easy to find his gaze again.

I got back from Prince Georgia the other day where I visited a church, I felt very encouraged while there and got to meet a missionary couple who have been in the ministry for over 30 years! there story is amazing and I found it to be very inspirational.  They were very encouraging and I found it gave me strength.

I have about four more churches to visit, two of them in Calgary, and a few more locally.  I love visiting both, it has been so incredible to speak at the local churches as I am so passionate about connection my community with this ministry of rescuing and nurturing women in the Philippines.  I also love meeting with churches further from Vavenby, I get to meet new people as well as strengthen old connections.

In other news.  I am working on the ranch this summer....about 30 hours a week.  Mostly it consists of moving sprinkler pipes.  which is something I honestly wondered if I would ever have the ability to do all on my own, since it requires a good deal of physical strength and over the years I was never able to move sprinklers with grace that my brothers seemed to posses however I feel that I can successfully say that I have conquered the pipes!! maybe not as fast as some of my brothers but have only been doing it for a dew weeks.  I feel very proud of the fact that I am the first girl in Aveley Ranch History to be doing the majority of the sprinkler moving!  But the best part is that it is giving me such a good work out that I have been eating like a pig but fitting better into my jeans!  I mean anything that will allow me to eat a little more pie... am I right?
and I digress....

Anyhow that pretty much sums up my update.... hope you are not all asleep at your computers....or mobiles.... actually you have probably just moved onto Facebook or Instagram, No judgment! I am the worst blog reader in the world!! 
To sum up, my goal right now is to add calm to the crazy in all the preparation.  either way my flight leaves in ten weeks eeek!!!

My big prayers request right now, is immigration visas! there is still so much to figure out in regards to applying for the missionary visa and I am waiting to hear back from someone.  honestly that is the most stressful item on my list.
Meanwhile there is plenty to keep me busy :)
I should say that all though this is a very overwhelming time I really am excited.  I am dreading saying goodby to my family but also look forward to being in the Philippines again and starting this new kind of work.
and on that note I shall sign off, thank you all for taking the time to read, remember that if you have any questions or want to partner with me on this journey don't hesitate to contact me!

I will leave with a photo I took the other day while doing sprinklers

The sheepishmidwife

P.S. does anyone need some old cheap acrylic paint.... ??

Third times a charm

This is the third attempt at updating my blog in the last few months. (hence the title of this blog post) I tend to start them and never finish, and then all the information is oudated, but this time I am determined to finish within 36 hours...maybe 48...depends on how the proof reading goes


Anyway....things are moving forward as far as returning to the Philippines though I feel they should be moving faster...  I am suddenly struck with how little time I have left.  My plane ticket is booked for September 2cnd, so that made everything seem very final.   I have started to raise support at different churches, so far I have made contact with three including my sending church Vavenby Christian Church (VCC).   It has been a bit daunting I admit but each visit and presentation has gone very well, and often better than I expected.  I shared at VCC just this last Sunday, this was the most meaningful presentation as it is my home church and Christian family.  The result was quite extraordinary, a good portion of the little congregation was in tears or teary, I think the only reason I wasn't was because I had practiced what I wanted to say several times.  I have been feeling guilty this last year about leaving the community of Vavenby to minsiter somewhere else, but this last Sunday I felt released.  But as I said in my talk I am not leaving Vavenby I am going with them to another part of the world, and when I say I feel that I am being released, its not from the VCC fellowship because I feel that I will always be apart of that church; but rather released to go as an extension of Vavenby Christan C. in another country.

The next six week are jam packed with visiting churches, both local and some further away.  There is still some unknowns about finances but I can feel God's hand in that department and have found that (at least 70% of the time) I am not as worried about it as I thought.  If it truly is God's will that I go than I know he will provide just like He always has. So that's the update for the Philippine Mission, at least in a nutshell.

Meanwhile, I am so enjoying the beautiful Spring whether, Although I loved the long winter it was also very long and I was beginning to wonder if I would see anything but snow and ice again.  But the Spring warmth has melted the white away and now there are colours of golds and greens.  The creeks are running again and the song birds wake us with their morning performances once more.  It feels good to be alive and I am reminded how much I love this little courner of the world.  Especially this time of year, lambing season.  We are at the tail end of it now with only 36 left lamb (we have 617 ewes) the busyness is one of the reasons I have not been able to blog until now, I still feel tired from the months toil but it is a good kind of tired.  Although I am very much looking forward to being able to sleep in until 8 AM one of these mornings, though that probably won't happen until next week when my parents and I head to Calgary.

                                              a long and beautiful winter...

                                                      and Spring wakes up....

This will be the second trip to Calgary this year,  April (my older sister) and I went to Calgary at the end of March.  We visited our grandparents, cousins, friends and aunts/uncles.  I also spoke at a church and met with a mission board of another, it was a busy 5 days but also a lot of fun.  I drove my little car (my younger brother Isaac and I share a car) all the way to Canmore and felt pretty good.  As pathetic as it sounds I actually have never driven that far before, as I am almost alwasy a passenger.  I even drove in Calgary which is a big deal for me as I am not a city driver due to the fact that I have had little experience.  April had only ever driven in Kamloops so it was a stretch for us both.  Honestly I was almost surprised when we returned from our trip with no accidents not even any real close calls! Although we we joked that we needed signs that said "Sorry, we're from the country" and "Thank you for understanding" 

So I leave for another week to Calgary which I am looking forward to.  One of the reasons being I don't have to get up early to feed lambs and sheep, not that I don't like doing that but its still nice to have a break after doing it constantly all month with no day off.   It was worth it though, even though lambing tests the endurance of all family members involved it really is a wonderful time of year and it was a lot of fun, right now I can hear lambs calling for their mothers in the background.  Tis a very comforting sound; one I never tire of.

I am looking forward to the summer ahead of me, I feel stressed about it as far as all the things I need to prepare for the journey that awaits me in September.  But the other day I was at one of the creeks that flow through our land, I was listening to the soothing sound of bubbling water, could feel the warmth of the sun and smell the earth and ever green trees and decided right there I was going to enjoy every minute of this Spring and Summer and savor each day.   Because there is just no other place like Aveley Ranch, this land has a way of soothing the soul,  its something I miss dreadfully when I am not here.  One of the things about going away is that you see your homeland with fresh eyes and you learn to enjoy the little things that you took for granted before. 
well I suppose that's enough babbling for now...

I want to quickly cover some housekeeping before I sign off,
for anyone who wants to donate or support financially I just wanted to give you the different options to do so.
You can give through my Paypall account which you can get to here on the right side of the blog.
However the best way is probably to write a cheque for the Philippine Mission to Vavenby Christian church,  if you go this route you will be able to get a charitable receipt.  Just remember to be sure to make the cheque out to the Philippine Mission and not Vienna Moilliet, as I am a missionary for the Philippine Mission which is the Mission for VCC.  If you wish to give through an e-transfer to the church that can also be done, through vavenbyccbusiness@gmail.com
I will leave you with one last picture of lambing....

Until next time....
thesheepishmidwife

A look back at 2017 and a Calling confirmed

Greetings in 2018

Well another new years has come and gone and enter 2018! Last year I remember welcoming 2017 in with Anie in her home village.  We watched the fireworks from her front porch
(after admittedly taking a nap between 9 and 11:30) and I was filled with a sentimental feeling for the coming year, sort of in awe of the coming changes it would bring;  Moving back to Canada, doing my internship in the states, studying for and taking my exam.  I am glad to report that all of those things happened.  Just barely though.  I did indeed take my exam on December 14th and found out the next day that I passed!  It feels so nice to have that behind me and say that I am now a midwife!

But even though everything got done, it didn;t happen as smoothly as I suppose I imagined it. In my last blog I talked about the challenges I had with getting through the process of applying for the exam.  Although I got through it almost Murphy and I (as in Murphy's law) got to know each other pretty well as it seemed that anything that could have gone wrong went wrong.  In this post I will take you back to some of the more emotional and spiritual aspects of the last year. 

Before returning to Canada I knew that Counter culture shock was to be expected.  I also knew it was going to be more intense then any of my other experiences of coming home after being away for a long time/in  different culture i.e coming back from Bible College in Alberta and the three months in Spain.   I had heard people talk about their own experiences of counter culture shock and I had even read and studied it in my textbooks and class during my culture and mission courses at ABC.   I also knew that there wasn't anything I could do to prepare for it.  I did assume however that counter culture shock was going to be something dramatic, something shocking...  like hitting a brick wall, crying over the decision as to what brand of bread to buy, things like that.  But the reality, at least for me was very different.  the best way I can describe the feelings of "Re-Entry" as we missionaries like to call it is that it feels like a thick fog.  Not shock but fog.  I felt lost, out of sync and not quite sure what to do with myself.  I had a terrible time keeping track of anything (more than usual).  I had no desire to write my blog, journal or even story write.  I could feel it in my very soul,whatever it was or is.  a sort of sadness mingled with confusion and feelings of loss.  I don't want anyone to think that I wasn't happy to be with my family because of course I was.   But one of the many things that my experience in the last few years has taught me is that there are no black and white emotions.  One can be happy to be in one place while sad that they are not in the other.  I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post but when I was a child my mom read a book to us kids.  It was about a man from china who traveled to the US and as the years went by often went back and forth.  There was a line in there about how when he was in one place he was always homesick for the other.  I remember thinking that, that must be awful!  And now I realize that it has become my fate.  But I don't think its a bad thing anymore.  It means that instead of your heart being in one place you get to have it in two places.  It means I get to be a part of two worlds both of which I love, both of which have shaped me into who I am today. 

The other struggle this last Spring and summer was mine struggling with The Call.  After spending time at Shepherds Home and Safe Refuge Ellora and I felt that we were called to return to the Philippines, work with Safe refuge and then start a ministry in another area that has the same goal and vision.  I am going to pause here for a moment as I want to quickly explain what Safe Refuge does.  It was started by an American midwife (she trained in the Philippines like me) and a Filipina nurse about 11 years ago.  They began as a safe mother and baby home, where women could not only have their babies delivered safely but had a safe place to be.  It turned out the biggest need was to help women stuck in prostitution and sex trafficking.   They have received many women since they started and changed many lives, from all sorts of situations and ages.

So this is what both Ellora and I agreed we wanted to do.  This whole thing felt very overwhelming for me however and I admit that I was hesitate to say "Yes this is God".  I was and am aware of the hugeness of what we were talking and this vision seemed to come on so fast (at least for me), only within about four months.  Although truthfully this idea had been tossed about in my brain but I had never been really serious about it.  When I came back to the ranch I continued praying about it, and it seemed to just make sense that I would go back and so I started telling people that I think I am going back.  But even though I was pretty sure i was supposed to go back I kept struggling with whether or not it was the right decision, it all didn't seem as clear as it did when we were in Manila, everything felt a little out of focus.  The Valley needs young people in ministry and they need midwives too, so I wondered if I was making a poor decision in leaving and what felt like abandoning my home town.  after all, when I was just a child I vowed I would NEVER leave the ranch, and if anyone said anything different they got an ear full.  I felt people's disappointment in my saying I was planning to leave again and I doubted over and over again if it really was God leading me.  After a challenging and difficult summer of this I finally had The Moment I was waiting for.   I was leading the worship at my church and all of my weaknesses in regards to music was coming out, it ended it up being fine  but I was fighting back tears at practice, I knew that it wasn't just the challenging practice and the fact that I have a hard time with timing in music.  I knew it was the final straw to break the camel's back.  So after church I went for a walk down to the river beach, sat on my favorite rock and let the struggle wash over me.  I prayed "what do you want me to do God?" the soft answer "You know what I want you to do," images of Safe refuge came into my mind and then I voiced another one of my concerns as a new midwife.  "What if I make a mistake?" and then God's answer "I will be there with you," and the floodgates finally opened, but it wasn't sad tears, it was tears of relief and joy.  The doubts about the decision to go back to the Philippines dulled and was replaced by not just the knowledge but the feeling of The Calling and peace.
This is not to say that deciding to leave The North Thompson is easy.  I am aware of the need in the place I grew up, I see it, as surly as I see the need in the Philippines.  I have been comparing the needs, doing a mental list of the pros and cons.  But I also know that there is need everywhere, in every corner of the world.  The bottom line is where God is calling you.  Is it near, far or in between?  Right now for me, its the Philippines.  Which to be honest is a surprise for me.  I was planning on coming back to Vavenby, doing short term missions every once in awhile, living in a cabin on the ranch.  That was my dream.  But God has a way of changing our dreams, or maybe He just brings them more into focus because I think this dream had always been there I just couldn't always see it or believe it.
                                                       My degree arrived in the mail the other day!

So Now that I have passed my exam and I can officially put letters beside name (Vienna Helen-Marie Moilliet CPM) and the holidays are over  (a wonderful time with my family and a white Christmas)  I intend to start gearing up for the rather daunting task of fundraising.  I am nervous but also excited.  I have never fund raised before but I am also really excited to connect with churches and share my desire to help women find purpose and Hope in God.  I know that there will be many individuals and churches who cannot afford to support me financially.  I know from personal experience that finances actually isn't the biggest need.  It's prayers.  So if are someone out there and think that you ca't contribute because you wallet will not allow you or you know your money needs to go somewhere else or whatever, it does not mean you can't be involved.  I am asking people who feel led and want to be part of this journey if they would commit to praying for me on a regular bases.  Not just for me but for the ministry that I am heading into.  If you do want to support me financially you can do so through my paypal account or by sending a cheque to my church and indicate its for the Philippine Mission.   I believe I will need about 600 a month for living expenses in manila and probably 1000 for airfare.